life goes on..but will I?

there comes a point in ones life that they stop and look back over their life. that reflection brings back memories, both good and bad.as well as reveals patterns in ones life.

lately i have been doing a lot of reflecting and came to some painful realizations. i was always the quiet one, the one easy to push around and forget. yes there was a short period in time when i felt like i had friends, wasn't so alone, but that time span was only a short blip in my life.

a familiar pattern in my life is to be the "good" person, the one there to comfort and help. the "good" friend never asking for anything in return. the one to turn to when you need a hug, an ear for listening, a shoulder to cry on. count on me to be there when you need help not matter how overwhelming the task, i will be there.

yet when it is me that needs all of the above, i'm pretty much on my own. in part it is my own fault. i don't demand attention or respect. i don't push that there are times i need someone. i just plod along by myself and hope for the best.

i have gotten so use to just accepting that i am on my own, that i no longer know how to fight for what i need or deserve. it is just the status quo and i no longer wish it to continue . its time for me to start thinking about what will make me happy, put my needs for first.

sadly though, i don't know where to begin or how to go about it. my spirit has been broken and i am at a loss on how to fix it.

can i hold on...I don't know

i suffer from depression...have for many years now.  sometimes i feel good and am able to carry on...other times the pain and sadness are just too much to bear.  medications and therapy help but aren't enough. the support i need is not there 100% so i just muddle onward and hope for the best.

i know i am not the easiest person to know, i don't trust very many people. i am not good at opening up, even "friends" that have known me for years truly don't know me. it hurts so much not to have someone to trust and turn to , especially when i feel so lost and hopeless.

my thoughts and feelings get all jumbled up.  the self doubt is overwhelming.  maybe i deserve to be alone.  it has to be my fault. what i did to deserve to be treated the way i am i am not sure of but i cannot believe that i have surrounded myself with people that could be so cruel and unfeeling.

it hurts to know that i am would give my all to help my family and friends but yet now when i need support, i get kick to the proverbial curb. i just don't know how much longer i can bear to feel this way.